My Dear Spiritual Daughter,

Please accept my blessings and well-wishes in remembrance of my Divine Master.

I was just reading the following section from Srila Sridhara Maharaja's autobiography, the story of his life. I was very inspired to read his words and thought you might also get some hope and inspiration from them.

Srila Sridhara Maharaja is speaking:

At first sight I found Guru Maharaj's attitude was that of complete indifference to the ordinary world. He does not care for anyone, he is self-sufficient. I got that sort of impression from his first sight. Then I began visiting. Gradually I came to realize that I wanted to stay in such company. Unfortunately I had been unable to find it before, but now the thought came to me, what's to stop me coming and staying here? I cast my glance homeward-father gone, mother living, three younger brothers- they won't be much affected. But my wife will be affected. I don't know why, but a sudden thought came in my mind that if she dies, I am free. This thought came. I was attracted by that association. There were so many members of gentlemanly and educated nature, and wholly given to the Service of Mahaprabhu. That attracted me most. And it was that very day, I came to my quarter and found that my wife was ill. I came home that night, and after three days she passed away. My mother tried to have me married again, but she could not do so. And within six months she also disappeared in Haridwar at the time ofthe Kumbha Mela. She died there. One of my brothers, Satyen, was attending her with other pilgrims and sisters, etc. I was free. I was visiting the Math. I was thinking that I must cast my faith here, so I thought it necessary to know as much as possible about the mission; and to know the mission means to know the leader of the mission. So I tried to go upstairs to where Guru Maharaj stayed. I would go in front of his room and sit there to hear, because I was thinking I shall join here. Then one day, it so occurred that Kirtanananda Prabhu, one brahmachari, stopped me when I was making an attempt to go upstairs. "Where are you going?" "I'm going to Guru Maharaj. I like it very much [to hear and associate]." "No, never. You must stay here in the waiting room, and when you find anyone you will inform him who you want to meet. He will check, and when he returns with the answer you can go. Otherwise you must stay here. Never cross this threshold." A little harsh. Then I thought, 'What should be the considerate nature of the sadhus? Why should there by any difference outwardly and inwardly? So I need not come here again!' But at that very moment the position of Sukadev appeared in my mind. I had read in Mahabharata that Srila Vyasadev sent Srila Sukadev Goswami to Rajarsi Janak to finish his education or sadhana. Srila Sukadev came, and he was detained for seven days at the outer gate. Then information went to Janak, who sanctioned, " Allow him to pass the gate." The next gate, he was again detained. In this way, there were seven boundaries of the capital, and at each of the seven gates he was detained for seven days. So seven times seven means forty-nine days he was detained, and only then he could meet Janak. This thought came in my mind. And then the next concluding thought came, 'If there is anything bad here, and they take me and put me onto a throne to worship me, I should not come here' and if there is real good, and they beat with a broomstick, I must not leave!' That conclusion came in my mind, and I kept visiting. Then one day, Guru Maharaj was strolling on the roof just after having taken his afternoon food. Generally he did not take any food at night. I just approached, and took my stand in a corner. One man was attending him. Guru Maharaj asked, "Has he something to say?" The attending person came and asked me, "Have you something to say?" "No. I have nothing to say." He went back. "He says he has nothing to say." Then Guru Maharaj said, "He has something to ask?" He again came to me, and said, " Guru Maharaj said, have you got something to ask?" "No, I have nothing to ask." He again returned to Guru Maharaj. "He says he has nothing to ask." Then again Guru Maharaj put, " He has got some purpose in mind for coming here." The person returned to me. I said, "Yes, without purpose no incident can happen. When I have come, I have some purpose." "What purpose?" "To gain the grace of you all." That was my answer. Nothing else but that. Perhaps that touched Guru Maharaj. He approached me and enquired from me who I was, what I did, where was my home and so on. And then he said, "Yes, you are fortunate. You are born in the area of Gauda-mandal." They had one booklet printed then and the attending person said, "Guru Maharaj is offering this booklet to you." I said, "I already have it." He said, "That does not matter; with his good will he is giving this to you, so it is something else. You take it." Then I took it on my head and accepted it. That was the first talk with Guru Maharaj. The following year I was invited to Sriman Mahaprabhu's Appearance Ceremony at Mayapur. At that time I was visiting the Math and hearing. I went there for the Ceremony. At that time my mother was also inviting me to the village Gumo where she was staying with my second brother. She wanted to see me before going to Haridwar, and the Gaudiya Math people were also inviting me to Mayapur. I was in a dilemma. What to do? It was my mother's call-and maybe the last. She might not live, her health was not good. This was the call. And I thought, I want to take this side in my life, so this side must be given preference. That is, I avoided the call of my mother to see her, and I went to the Gaudiya Math instead. From their talks in general, I found that they do not care for the opinion of anyone else; but when anything is quoted from Scripture, they give a patient hearing. This was their nature. Summarily they reject all, they don't care for anyone, but they care only for Scriptural truth; that they soberly consider and evaluate. But with adherence they reject so many stalwarts of the then society-this Aurobindo, this Gandhi, the Ramkrishna, the [imitationist] Goswamins-they summarily reject them all. But Mahaprabhu, Bhagavatam, Gita-they are all-in-all. I had an attraction, a taste for them. I could identify with them. Still, there was some sort of objection. One was that Guru Maharaj comes from a Kayastha family, that is considered sudra, and I come from a brahmana pandits' family of great honor in the society. Ostensibly, and brahmana should have been suitable; in this way some sort of objection was felt in me. Then, when I went to Mayapur I again saw many things that touched me. Srila Prabhupad was delivering a lecture to so many gentlemen who had come from Krsnanagar-educated persons. In another place the elderly Sripad Bhakti Pradip Tirtha Maharaj was giving a lecture. Somewhere else Sripad Bhakti Svarupa Parvvat Maharaj was found writing receipts, collecting funds from the people. It was a hive of activity. I felt a transcendental, happy atmosphere there. When the celebration was over, Guru Maharaj was sitting in a canvas chair on the verandah of his room, and many persons were offering him obeisance's and going home. At that time he was speaking, giving some discourse. I was always very eager to hear him. He was saying, "Don't cheat me, you people." I was alert. What? Where was the question on cheating him? Why cheating?! Everyone was invited, they came, and now they are leaving; what was his point about 'cheating'? Then the next thing he said was, "You all came with the understanding that you will engage yourselves in the Service of Krsna, and so I have entered into some relationship with you. And now, only as a fashion you have attended this ceremony and you are going home to engage yourselves in worldly affairs; but your assurance to me was that you would all serve Krsna, but... disappointed..." Then he continued, "You may say 'Oh, I have got some important business and after finishing this I shall come and join you as soon as possible' but no, no! If you tell me there is just a little fire and after extinguishing the fire you will return, then I say that is also not necessary. If fire burns the whole world you do not lose anything. Rather, you are spared if you can disconnect from those things that are burnt. All your positive engagement, your inner hankering, has corresponding things in Krsna. All your necessities and hankering will be satisfied in the service of the Holy Lotus Feet of Krsna, and nowhere else." He was speaking so forcefully. I was wonder struck. I thought, I would never hear anywhere in this living world such intense necessity for Krsna-bhajana-so I must throw my head here. It was then that I took the decision that I must be a disciple here.

You are now feeling a little depressed. It will soon go away. Krishna tells us "matra sparshas tu kaunteya, sitoshna sukha dukha da... "The non-permanent appearance of happiness and distress are just like the appearance of the winter and summer seasons. They arise from sense perception. One should learn to tolerate them without being disturbed.

Today you may feel unhappy but previously you were very happy. In the future you will feel happy again. This is the continuous cycle experienced through the mundane mind and senses. But you have another life awaiting you in the aprakrta world, our Lord's Sri Vrndavana Dhama, that has no connection with this temporary happiness and distress.

Actually, it is with you now but you cannot see it or feel it with your mundane mind or senses. If you follow the instructions of Sri Sri Guru Gauranga, then one day you will get everything that is your heart's deepest desire. First you must allow Krishna to live in your heart. By inviting Him to live there He will gradually conquer the whole territory. He will throw out all those things that are now separating you from Him. He will allow no other trespassers (in the form of anarthas) to interfere with your relationship with Him.

He doesn't ask so much of us. Simply chant the Maha Mantra, avoiding the ten offenses, take the prasada of your Sri Sri Guru Gauranga Gandharvika Giridhari, read the shastras of our Guru Varga, the books of Srila Bhakti Vedanta Swami Prabhupada, Srila Sridhara Maharaja and Srila Govinda Maharaja, avoiding other books. Do your work for your food and so forth with the spirit of service to Sri Guru, that you are collecting some money for his service and after offering the results to him taking what is necessary to maintain your own life as his remnants.

Srila Rupa Goswami has advised us to avoid the association of non-devotees and seek the association of devotees. When we have no devotee association we must take shelter of the shastras. You will find much comfort there.

Do not be afraid of difficulty or distress. It is not bad for us. It is necessary to increase our hankering for the Lord who is our only true protector and shelter.

This Friday, April 15 we will observe the first disappearance anniversary of His Divine Grace, Srila Govinda Maharaja. He is very merciful to us. We have had a very difficult year in his absence. But that absence has created within us an even greater need to remember how much we are dependent on his merciful glance upon us. Remembering him and serving him in this way is the surest method for attracting his continued benedictions.

I pray this finds you well in health and spirits.

With affection,

Giri Maharaja